What is your Passion?

Today I was answering questions for an article for the news at work. I came across a picture of a roller coaster that I rode on in April this year and I thought "Oh, I should send that. It is one of my goals to ride on all the best roller coasters in the world!" Just thinking about it made me excited. That is passion. The excited feeling you get when you think about doing something you want to do or love to do.

Funny thing is I looked up the roller coaster I rode. It is not one of the top ten, but it is listed in the best roller coaster list for the United States!  The Incredible Hulk Coaster at Universal Orlando was definitely a blast to ride! While I was looking that up, of course I perused what might be some others I would want to start with, so I have a list of ten to begin with here:  https://www.10best.com/awards/travel/best-roller-coaster/


Although roller coasters is a passion for me, it is not my only passion by far. I have many. I pay attention to those feelings I get, the happiness I feel when I fix something at work, when I mentor someone, when I write an article, when I drive my car!

What is your passion? What gives you that feeling of excitement and happiness in your life when you talk about it or do it?

Love and Light ~Josie

The Harsh Truth about Online Dating

A couple of months after I separated I talked to a friend who was doing online dating; I wanted to give a try. She gave me the basics and the warnings and I signed up for my first site. Honestly it was a little slow at first. It took a lot of time and energy, looking through profiles, pictures, messages. I chatted with a couple of people and went on my first date about two weeks later. I quickly learned that online dating was about agendas. What was their agenda. Did they want sex, money or were they broken and needy. Usually it was the first. Weeding through the plethora of messages, trying to figure out, are they married? Are they a scammer? Good lord. Yes, it was quite an ego boost, but also exhausting.
I learned if they were not local and did not want to meet, they were likely a scammer. I learned to weed them out fairly quickly by asking questions and paying attention to details. I met a couple of nice guys that I am still friends with. I met one that was actually genuine, but lived to dang far away. The drives were killing us! Oh, and it is true, you get a lot of pics. I could probably cover a wall in them. I met a couple of crazy stalkers. Yep, and I have been told that they were in love with me after the first date - not okay!

Online dating is interesting and I know some people have met their partners online. So I am not discounting it, but just saying from my experience that it was overwhelming and full of more people just wanting to fulfill agendas than interested in actually building a relationship with someone.
I did learn a lot about myself during this time. What I wanted in a partner, what I did not want in a partner. How to date again, self confidence, patience, and communication via online tools. I learned about my personality strengths and weaknesses as I navigated filling out profiles and going on dates.
I tried five different sites over a little over a year. Each had its positives and negatives. All of them had scammers, and stalkers and cheaters, so you just have to figure out how to watch out for them. I currently have been offline for about nine months. The last two stalkers I had did me in for awhile. Maybe I will try again someday, maybe not. I am happy right now learning about myself and doing the things I need to do to elevate higher. Occasionally I date someone I meet naturally, but I am not worried about it.
Happy being me!  Love and light! ~ Josie

Unfounded Fears

Fear. The dictionary definition of fear is that it is an emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. Yes, that is the basic definition. Along my journey, speaking with many people and evaluating my own fears, I have discovered that fear stops us from doing something and is truly from a 'belief' that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. However, many times, this belief is unfounded and we are only stopping ourselves.

I never felt I was a fearful person; I would try new things, learn new things, meet new people, do many things a lot of people would not consider doing own their own. But yes, I discovered I am also a fearful person. I was afraid to speak up and hold my position on certain subjects for fear that I was wrong, or that I would not be liked. I was afraid to ask my spouse to help out with the kids or around the house for fear that I would not matter, would not be needed, would be a nag. I was afraid to stand up to my parents because I was taught to respect your elders. I was afraid to rock the boat because I was 'just a woman'. I was afraid my daughter would turn out like my sister. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not being loved, of not being worthy of love. I had been hurt so much in my earlier years I became afraid to truly love, to open my heart up to anyone completely. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to let anyone see my weak side, to see my failings, to see anything but the positive.

Many of the reasons I was afraid was because of learned values, lessons, behaviors, culture. People I have spoken to it is very similar. Maybe different fears, different experiences, but ultimately the same reasons. I have learned over the last two years to slowly identify those fears. To work on them, realize why I am feeling the fear, and that it is not because I will really be caused pain or threat. Maybe in some cases I will be caused some mild pain, but it will be worth it in the end, because I will experience life, I will live, I will no longer let fear rule me. I have learned to love unconditionally again and it is amazing and painful. I have learned to be vulnerable and it is freeing! I have learned to speak up for myself and I have respect and love for myself. I am a woman, I am proud of it, I can drywall, replace hardwood flooring, work on cars, mow my lawn, cook, clean, work at my job, whatever I want! I cannot say that I will never be afraid again, but if I am, I will face my fear with confidence!

Confidence - Live the life you deserve!

Sorry I have not posted this week. Life! It has been crazy lately, getting my daughter off to college, interviewing for a job, plus normal daily activities. I know you all know what it is like. Life gets in the way sometimes of what we intend or want to do. There are so many topics I want to discuss, that run through my head and experiences I want to share, but again, patience!
Before I left to bring my daughter to college, her dad and I were having a great discussion with her. We were talking about how to make friends or talk to strangers at a social gathering. My daughter said she was not good at this. Her dad and I both explained to her that she really was, but she just thought she wasn't. Confidence. Sometimes we think we are not good at something, but we really are, we just lack the confidence. My daughter is great at striking up random conversations with strangers. Complimenting them, being kind, being engaged in conversation. She just did not realize it. Once we both gave her examples and told her how good she really was, she understood it was her own mindset that was preventing her from socializing. There are so many things in life that this applies to. We let our own insecurities, our own overthinking and mindset prevent us from doing things that we want to do. We let our lack of confidence prevent us from doing things we are perfectly capable of doing.
For instance, 90% of women do not apply for jobs that they are capable of doing simply because of lack of confidence that they are not qualified for it. They feel if they are not 90% qualified, they won't apply, whereas a male will apply if he is 60% qualified. In the past I had not applied for jobs that I knew I could do because I felt I was not qualified for. Now I know otherwise.
Be confident my friends! Try new things! Don't let fear stop you from living the life you deserve!

Love and light! ~ Josie

Communication - You do matter, so speak up!

Yep, I am going to write about communication. We all hear it; communication is key to a relationship. Actually doing it is the hard part. There can be so many barriers, so many blocks to good communication. Different personality types, situations, etc. It is something I have been learning my whole life and am not done yet.

I feel like I have always been a good communicator. I can write papers well, technical documentation at work that is fantastic. I have spoken at conferences, done presentations, facilitated meetings, been project lead/manager, girl scout leader, bartender, cocktail waitress, and much more. I can break down "technical speak" to customers easily so they understand what is happening. I can mentor people of all ages. Talking about my feelings or things I am struggling with, not so easy.

Why is talking about my feelings hard? I have thought about this a lot. I can write them on paper. I did have diaries when I was young and as I got older I learned in my relationships to write out my thoughts and feelings so I could get out what I was trying to convey. When I was younger I learned that it was better to keep my thoughts, feelings and what was really going on to myself. Why? Because I felt like I didn't matter. The people I tried to talk to tried to fix the problem before I could finish what I was saying. Or if I was in trouble it was better to say what others wanted to hear rather than the truth, no one wanted to believe the truth anyway. Or they just didn't care enough to listen. I did learn valuable skills from this. I learned to read people very well. Their body language, their words, and I could "read a room" easily. I learned to listen, to figure out what others wanted and needed. As a giver, I learned how to provide what was needed by others.

In my love relationships I would try to communicate, but it did not last long. They would say something that would make me feel like I didn't matter and I would instantly clam up and go back to what I knew best; providing what they needed. I would get to a point where I would get frustrated and attempt to write a letter or say something. By then I had taught my partner that I didn't matter, so the conversation always ended up getting turned around.

The last two years though I have grown in my communication areas. I have had some great help from my daughter and some close friends. My daughter especially has pushed my outside my box to go deep and think about what is really bothering me about an issue. She has taught me to really open up and communicate with her. I have a couple of close friends that have really helped also with helping me to open up, being supportive, listening and non-judgmental. I am thankful for my support system, for how much I have learned and for knowing now that I do matter. I have had to learn to become very vulnerable again; it is a very freeing feeling! Give it a try, you might like it!

Love and Light ~ Josie

Security is Your Dangerous Anchor

Its funny how certain things or events in your life can make such an impact on you. For me it was the Northwest Public Power Association (NWPPA) Women's conference of 2017. This is a fantastic conference to teach valuable leadership, communication and other skills. This was my first time attending this conference and I remember that even as an extrovert I felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people I was interacting with.
The one thing I remember clear as a bell even to this day is the speaker, Fawn Germer, that changed my life forever. She stood before us, talking about her book , giving us advice and mentorship. Then she said one phrase that made my brain stop. "Don't let security be your dangerous anchor". I instantly stopped listening, I thought "What?" I mulled it over a couple of times. I thought, "Wait, I don't do that at work. Why do I do that at home?"
That simple phase caused me to do a lot of thinking over several days. It was quite the eye opener for me. I decided I would not let the fear of security hold me back anymore. This preceded my asking my husband to move out and began my journey to discovering who I am. Of course, my boss threatened to never allow me to go to anymore conferences again, lol. (He does though!)

If you want to check out Fawn Germer, I found her blog here: Fawn Germer's blog site

Love and Light,
Josie

Lessons in Patience

I always thought I was a fairly patient person. Ha! I have given a lot of lessons in patience the last couple of years.

Last night I was working on another project of mine and I was getting frustrated. It was not going as smoothly as I had anticipated. Deep breath. Have patience, slow down, you got this. Yes, I was successful; it just took longer than expected and took more work. 

While I was doing this project I was also thinking about how I wanted to share more of my story here. That I needed to get it all out, explain everything. I don't want anyone to think badly of people I am connected to in my life, as they are who they are and this is my story, my perspective. Patience. I cannot possibly get my story out all at once. Deep breath, slow down. 

My friends, family and co-workers probably can already attest to times that I have had great patience or little patience. I can think back to times where I demonstrated patience, but then I could feel the frustration. I would change my tactics, approach to the situation to attempt to move it along faster. Not very patient, huh. Yep, I do have control issues also. Another story, for another time.

My daughter will attest to me sitting in the car, revving the engine to get her to hurry up in the morning, much to her demise. My co-workers would probably recount stories of my taking over meetings that were going to slow for my taste to get people to "get to the point" and "make decisions". 

So yes, I can look at myself and say I am not a very patient person. I am working on this. Learning to slow down, put my trust in the divine and give up my control. It is hard and something I struggle with daily. 

This morning, here at the "get-away" I am at, the internet was down. Patience!! Deep breath!! I really wanted to write this post. I got my coffee, sat outside and enjoyed the beauty and peace for a bit. Got ready for the day, had breakfast. Hey, I can do this offline and post it later. So, I began writing it in Word. I got a few sentences in, and the internet came back up. Yay!  

Ultimately, there is always another way. The frustration is only affecting me adversely. I can change how it affects me. 

Love and Light! ~ Josie

Positive Affirmations - Recommended Video!

I listen to a lot of YouTube videos. I listen to meditation videos at night while I am sleeping, I listen to various videos here and there for various reasons. Videos to learn, videos to understand, etc. whatever I am in the mood for, whatever catches my fancy. It helps to keep my focus sometimes, give my ever overthinking brain something to think about, lol!

Anyway, I found a fantastic video last week for positive affirmations that I highly recommend! Give it a try, mornings, afternoons, whenever you need a boost!  :-)  Love and Light!  ~ Josie

My First Tower Moment

The next couple of years after my dad passed I lived my life as always. I am very good at picking myself up, continuing with life. I had worked 9 months as interim supervisor at my job only to not get the job. I was told that it was because I did not have a bachelors degree, although others in the department in higher positions did not. I was frustrated, but decided to go back to school and get my bachelors. I worked full time and went to school evenings at the the local university. Keeping myself busy was always a way to to avoid the issues at home I did not want to face. my home life was depressing for me. I loved my family very much and everyday I told myself I choose to love my husband and would do anything possible to make the relationship work. I dreaded going home everyday. Afraid of what I was going to step into. Was it going to be a good night or was it going to be a bad night. I was tired. Tired of feeling like I had to ease all the tensions, the arguments, protect everyone. Tired of feeling like I was walking on eggshells. At school and work I was appreciated and valued.
My husband was gone hunting with his dad for 3 weeks. During this time I decided to give it my all to make things better. I cleaned the house really well so that when he got back he would be happy. When I picked him up at the airport, I was very happy and loving to him. We had a great night. The next 3 days, he did nothing but play video games. He didn't help out around the house, left his stuff everywhere, all the work I had done was quickly in vain. I became frustrated. Everything finally blew up one evening while I was doing dishes. My daughter needed to wash bedding, but my husband said he needed to wash clothes. So I asked her to wait. I told him that the washer was empty and to go ahead, but that it was needed, so please get it going soon. He said he would do it. Almost an hour later he was still playing video games and still hadn't started his laundry, so I asked him, he said he was going to start it soon. So I told my daughter to start hers. About 15 minutes later he came out yelling about the washer being full. My daughter grabbed her wet bedding and put it on the back porch. I was so angry at his attacking her, I lost it. I started yelling and crying and then for the first time ever, I left. I went to my mom's.
I did go back home that night. I felt lost. I didn't know what to do. I just knew I wasn't happy and something needed to change.

The Awakening Beginning, my Big Bang!

When I look back to see when this all really started; I realize it really began with my dad's passing. I was very close to my dad. He was a good dad. A loving, hardworking, giving, family-oriented man. He was the core of our family; someone we all looked up to. He was smart, funny, and well balanced. I realize now that he fulfilled all my needs emotionally and when he passed I felt a deep hole in my life that I was searching to fill. As the eldest in the family I also felt obligated to try and keep the family together, to care for the family, to fill my dads place. I felt I failed at this; I just did not have the capacity to fill my dads shoes. I went years unhappy, not understanding why. I had grieved, but did not understand the emotional hole that my dad had left. My husband at the time had not changed, but he could not fill this hole, as he was not meant to. I was searching for someone to fill this gap. I know now that no one person can fill this gap. I needed to learn to love myself unconditionally as much as my dad did and fill the gap myself.

This was the beginning of my awakening process, the big event in my life that changed me forever and awoke me to begin discovering who I truly am.