The Harsh Truth about Online Dating

A couple of months after I separated I talked to a friend who was doing online dating; I wanted to give a try. She gave me the basics and the warnings and I signed up for my first site. Honestly it was a little slow at first. It took a lot of time and energy, looking through profiles, pictures, messages. I chatted with a couple of people and went on my first date about two weeks later. I quickly learned that online dating was about agendas. What was their agenda. Did they want sex, money or were they broken and needy. Usually it was the first. Weeding through the plethora of messages, trying to figure out, are they married? Are they a scammer? Good lord. Yes, it was quite an ego boost, but also exhausting.
I learned if they were not local and did not want to meet, they were likely a scammer. I learned to weed them out fairly quickly by asking questions and paying attention to details. I met a couple of nice guys that I am still friends with. I met one that was actually genuine, but lived to dang far away. The drives were killing us! Oh, and it is true, you get a lot of pics. I could probably cover a wall in them. I met a couple of crazy stalkers. Yep, and I have been told that they were in love with me after the first date - not okay!

Online dating is interesting and I know some people have met their partners online. So I am not discounting it, but just saying from my experience that it was overwhelming and full of more people just wanting to fulfill agendas than interested in actually building a relationship with someone.
I did learn a lot about myself during this time. What I wanted in a partner, what I did not want in a partner. How to date again, self confidence, patience, and communication via online tools. I learned about my personality strengths and weaknesses as I navigated filling out profiles and going on dates.
I tried five different sites over a little over a year. Each had its positives and negatives. All of them had scammers, and stalkers and cheaters, so you just have to figure out how to watch out for them. I currently have been offline for about nine months. The last two stalkers I had did me in for awhile. Maybe I will try again someday, maybe not. I am happy right now learning about myself and doing the things I need to do to elevate higher. Occasionally I date someone I meet naturally, but I am not worried about it.
Happy being me!  Love and light! ~ Josie

Unfounded Fears

Fear. The dictionary definition of fear is that it is an emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. Yes, that is the basic definition. Along my journey, speaking with many people and evaluating my own fears, I have discovered that fear stops us from doing something and is truly from a 'belief' that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. However, many times, this belief is unfounded and we are only stopping ourselves.

I never felt I was a fearful person; I would try new things, learn new things, meet new people, do many things a lot of people would not consider doing own their own. But yes, I discovered I am also a fearful person. I was afraid to speak up and hold my position on certain subjects for fear that I was wrong, or that I would not be liked. I was afraid to ask my spouse to help out with the kids or around the house for fear that I would not matter, would not be needed, would be a nag. I was afraid to stand up to my parents because I was taught to respect your elders. I was afraid to rock the boat because I was 'just a woman'. I was afraid my daughter would turn out like my sister. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not being loved, of not being worthy of love. I had been hurt so much in my earlier years I became afraid to truly love, to open my heart up to anyone completely. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to let anyone see my weak side, to see my failings, to see anything but the positive.

Many of the reasons I was afraid was because of learned values, lessons, behaviors, culture. People I have spoken to it is very similar. Maybe different fears, different experiences, but ultimately the same reasons. I have learned over the last two years to slowly identify those fears. To work on them, realize why I am feeling the fear, and that it is not because I will really be caused pain or threat. Maybe in some cases I will be caused some mild pain, but it will be worth it in the end, because I will experience life, I will live, I will no longer let fear rule me. I have learned to love unconditionally again and it is amazing and painful. I have learned to be vulnerable and it is freeing! I have learned to speak up for myself and I have respect and love for myself. I am a woman, I am proud of it, I can drywall, replace hardwood flooring, work on cars, mow my lawn, cook, clean, work at my job, whatever I want! I cannot say that I will never be afraid again, but if I am, I will face my fear with confidence!

Confidence - Live the life you deserve!

Sorry I have not posted this week. Life! It has been crazy lately, getting my daughter off to college, interviewing for a job, plus normal daily activities. I know you all know what it is like. Life gets in the way sometimes of what we intend or want to do. There are so many topics I want to discuss, that run through my head and experiences I want to share, but again, patience!
Before I left to bring my daughter to college, her dad and I were having a great discussion with her. We were talking about how to make friends or talk to strangers at a social gathering. My daughter said she was not good at this. Her dad and I both explained to her that she really was, but she just thought she wasn't. Confidence. Sometimes we think we are not good at something, but we really are, we just lack the confidence. My daughter is great at striking up random conversations with strangers. Complimenting them, being kind, being engaged in conversation. She just did not realize it. Once we both gave her examples and told her how good she really was, she understood it was her own mindset that was preventing her from socializing. There are so many things in life that this applies to. We let our own insecurities, our own overthinking and mindset prevent us from doing things that we want to do. We let our lack of confidence prevent us from doing things we are perfectly capable of doing.
For instance, 90% of women do not apply for jobs that they are capable of doing simply because of lack of confidence that they are not qualified for it. They feel if they are not 90% qualified, they won't apply, whereas a male will apply if he is 60% qualified. In the past I had not applied for jobs that I knew I could do because I felt I was not qualified for. Now I know otherwise.
Be confident my friends! Try new things! Don't let fear stop you from living the life you deserve!

Love and light! ~ Josie