Fear. The dictionary definition of fear is that it is an emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. Yes, that is the basic definition. Along my journey, speaking with many people and evaluating my own fears, I have discovered that fear stops us from doing something and is truly from a 'belief' that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. However, many times, this belief is unfounded and we are only stopping ourselves.
I never felt I was a fearful person; I would try new things, learn new things, meet new people, do many things a lot of people would not consider doing own their own. But yes, I discovered I am also a fearful person. I was afraid to speak up and hold my position on certain subjects for fear that I was wrong, or that I would not be liked. I was afraid to ask my spouse to help out with the kids or around the house for fear that I would not matter, would not be needed, would be a nag. I was afraid to stand up to my parents because I was taught to respect your elders. I was afraid to rock the boat because I was 'just a woman'. I was afraid my daughter would turn out like my sister. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not being loved, of not being worthy of love. I had been hurt so much in my earlier years I became afraid to truly love, to open my heart up to anyone completely. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to let anyone see my weak side, to see my failings, to see anything but the positive.
Many of the reasons I was afraid was because of learned values, lessons, behaviors, culture. People I have spoken to it is very similar. Maybe different fears, different experiences, but ultimately the same reasons. I have learned over the last two years to slowly identify those fears. To work on them, realize why I am feeling the fear, and that it is not because I will really be caused pain or threat. Maybe in some cases I will be caused some mild pain, but it will be worth it in the end, because I will experience life, I will live, I will no longer let fear rule me. I have learned to love unconditionally again and it is amazing and painful. I have learned to be vulnerable and it is freeing! I have learned to speak up for myself and I have respect and love for myself. I am a woman, I am proud of it, I can drywall, replace hardwood flooring, work on cars, mow my lawn, cook, clean, work at my job, whatever I want! I cannot say that I will never be afraid again, but if I am, I will face my fear with confidence!
