The Harsh Truth about Online Dating

A couple of months after I separated I talked to a friend who was doing online dating; I wanted to give a try. She gave me the basics and the warnings and I signed up for my first site. Honestly it was a little slow at first. It took a lot of time and energy, looking through profiles, pictures, messages. I chatted with a couple of people and went on my first date about two weeks later. I quickly learned that online dating was about agendas. What was their agenda. Did they want sex, money or were they broken and needy. Usually it was the first. Weeding through the plethora of messages, trying to figure out, are they married? Are they a scammer? Good lord. Yes, it was quite an ego boost, but also exhausting.
I learned if they were not local and did not want to meet, they were likely a scammer. I learned to weed them out fairly quickly by asking questions and paying attention to details. I met a couple of nice guys that I am still friends with. I met one that was actually genuine, but lived to dang far away. The drives were killing us! Oh, and it is true, you get a lot of pics. I could probably cover a wall in them. I met a couple of crazy stalkers. Yep, and I have been told that they were in love with me after the first date - not okay!

Online dating is interesting and I know some people have met their partners online. So I am not discounting it, but just saying from my experience that it was overwhelming and full of more people just wanting to fulfill agendas than interested in actually building a relationship with someone.
I did learn a lot about myself during this time. What I wanted in a partner, what I did not want in a partner. How to date again, self confidence, patience, and communication via online tools. I learned about my personality strengths and weaknesses as I navigated filling out profiles and going on dates.
I tried five different sites over a little over a year. Each had its positives and negatives. All of them had scammers, and stalkers and cheaters, so you just have to figure out how to watch out for them. I currently have been offline for about nine months. The last two stalkers I had did me in for awhile. Maybe I will try again someday, maybe not. I am happy right now learning about myself and doing the things I need to do to elevate higher. Occasionally I date someone I meet naturally, but I am not worried about it.
Happy being me!  Love and light! ~ Josie

Unfounded Fears

Fear. The dictionary definition of fear is that it is an emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. Yes, that is the basic definition. Along my journey, speaking with many people and evaluating my own fears, I have discovered that fear stops us from doing something and is truly from a 'belief' that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. However, many times, this belief is unfounded and we are only stopping ourselves.

I never felt I was a fearful person; I would try new things, learn new things, meet new people, do many things a lot of people would not consider doing own their own. But yes, I discovered I am also a fearful person. I was afraid to speak up and hold my position on certain subjects for fear that I was wrong, or that I would not be liked. I was afraid to ask my spouse to help out with the kids or around the house for fear that I would not matter, would not be needed, would be a nag. I was afraid to stand up to my parents because I was taught to respect your elders. I was afraid to rock the boat because I was 'just a woman'. I was afraid my daughter would turn out like my sister. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not being loved, of not being worthy of love. I had been hurt so much in my earlier years I became afraid to truly love, to open my heart up to anyone completely. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to let anyone see my weak side, to see my failings, to see anything but the positive.

Many of the reasons I was afraid was because of learned values, lessons, behaviors, culture. People I have spoken to it is very similar. Maybe different fears, different experiences, but ultimately the same reasons. I have learned over the last two years to slowly identify those fears. To work on them, realize why I am feeling the fear, and that it is not because I will really be caused pain or threat. Maybe in some cases I will be caused some mild pain, but it will be worth it in the end, because I will experience life, I will live, I will no longer let fear rule me. I have learned to love unconditionally again and it is amazing and painful. I have learned to be vulnerable and it is freeing! I have learned to speak up for myself and I have respect and love for myself. I am a woman, I am proud of it, I can drywall, replace hardwood flooring, work on cars, mow my lawn, cook, clean, work at my job, whatever I want! I cannot say that I will never be afraid again, but if I am, I will face my fear with confidence!

Lessons in Patience

I always thought I was a fairly patient person. Ha! I have given a lot of lessons in patience the last couple of years.

Last night I was working on another project of mine and I was getting frustrated. It was not going as smoothly as I had anticipated. Deep breath. Have patience, slow down, you got this. Yes, I was successful; it just took longer than expected and took more work. 

While I was doing this project I was also thinking about how I wanted to share more of my story here. That I needed to get it all out, explain everything. I don't want anyone to think badly of people I am connected to in my life, as they are who they are and this is my story, my perspective. Patience. I cannot possibly get my story out all at once. Deep breath, slow down. 

My friends, family and co-workers probably can already attest to times that I have had great patience or little patience. I can think back to times where I demonstrated patience, but then I could feel the frustration. I would change my tactics, approach to the situation to attempt to move it along faster. Not very patient, huh. Yep, I do have control issues also. Another story, for another time.

My daughter will attest to me sitting in the car, revving the engine to get her to hurry up in the morning, much to her demise. My co-workers would probably recount stories of my taking over meetings that were going to slow for my taste to get people to "get to the point" and "make decisions". 

So yes, I can look at myself and say I am not a very patient person. I am working on this. Learning to slow down, put my trust in the divine and give up my control. It is hard and something I struggle with daily. 

This morning, here at the "get-away" I am at, the internet was down. Patience!! Deep breath!! I really wanted to write this post. I got my coffee, sat outside and enjoyed the beauty and peace for a bit. Got ready for the day, had breakfast. Hey, I can do this offline and post it later. So, I began writing it in Word. I got a few sentences in, and the internet came back up. Yay!  

Ultimately, there is always another way. The frustration is only affecting me adversely. I can change how it affects me. 

Love and Light! ~ Josie