Unfounded Fears

Fear. The dictionary definition of fear is that it is an emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. Yes, that is the basic definition. Along my journey, speaking with many people and evaluating my own fears, I have discovered that fear stops us from doing something and is truly from a 'belief' that someone or something is dangerous and will likely cause pain or a threat. However, many times, this belief is unfounded and we are only stopping ourselves.

I never felt I was a fearful person; I would try new things, learn new things, meet new people, do many things a lot of people would not consider doing own their own. But yes, I discovered I am also a fearful person. I was afraid to speak up and hold my position on certain subjects for fear that I was wrong, or that I would not be liked. I was afraid to ask my spouse to help out with the kids or around the house for fear that I would not matter, would not be needed, would be a nag. I was afraid to stand up to my parents because I was taught to respect your elders. I was afraid to rock the boat because I was 'just a woman'. I was afraid my daughter would turn out like my sister. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not being loved, of not being worthy of love. I had been hurt so much in my earlier years I became afraid to truly love, to open my heart up to anyone completely. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to let anyone see my weak side, to see my failings, to see anything but the positive.

Many of the reasons I was afraid was because of learned values, lessons, behaviors, culture. People I have spoken to it is very similar. Maybe different fears, different experiences, but ultimately the same reasons. I have learned over the last two years to slowly identify those fears. To work on them, realize why I am feeling the fear, and that it is not because I will really be caused pain or threat. Maybe in some cases I will be caused some mild pain, but it will be worth it in the end, because I will experience life, I will live, I will no longer let fear rule me. I have learned to love unconditionally again and it is amazing and painful. I have learned to be vulnerable and it is freeing! I have learned to speak up for myself and I have respect and love for myself. I am a woman, I am proud of it, I can drywall, replace hardwood flooring, work on cars, mow my lawn, cook, clean, work at my job, whatever I want! I cannot say that I will never be afraid again, but if I am, I will face my fear with confidence!

Communication - You do matter, so speak up!

Yep, I am going to write about communication. We all hear it; communication is key to a relationship. Actually doing it is the hard part. There can be so many barriers, so many blocks to good communication. Different personality types, situations, etc. It is something I have been learning my whole life and am not done yet.

I feel like I have always been a good communicator. I can write papers well, technical documentation at work that is fantastic. I have spoken at conferences, done presentations, facilitated meetings, been project lead/manager, girl scout leader, bartender, cocktail waitress, and much more. I can break down "technical speak" to customers easily so they understand what is happening. I can mentor people of all ages. Talking about my feelings or things I am struggling with, not so easy.

Why is talking about my feelings hard? I have thought about this a lot. I can write them on paper. I did have diaries when I was young and as I got older I learned in my relationships to write out my thoughts and feelings so I could get out what I was trying to convey. When I was younger I learned that it was better to keep my thoughts, feelings and what was really going on to myself. Why? Because I felt like I didn't matter. The people I tried to talk to tried to fix the problem before I could finish what I was saying. Or if I was in trouble it was better to say what others wanted to hear rather than the truth, no one wanted to believe the truth anyway. Or they just didn't care enough to listen. I did learn valuable skills from this. I learned to read people very well. Their body language, their words, and I could "read a room" easily. I learned to listen, to figure out what others wanted and needed. As a giver, I learned how to provide what was needed by others.

In my love relationships I would try to communicate, but it did not last long. They would say something that would make me feel like I didn't matter and I would instantly clam up and go back to what I knew best; providing what they needed. I would get to a point where I would get frustrated and attempt to write a letter or say something. By then I had taught my partner that I didn't matter, so the conversation always ended up getting turned around.

The last two years though I have grown in my communication areas. I have had some great help from my daughter and some close friends. My daughter especially has pushed my outside my box to go deep and think about what is really bothering me about an issue. She has taught me to really open up and communicate with her. I have a couple of close friends that have really helped also with helping me to open up, being supportive, listening and non-judgmental. I am thankful for my support system, for how much I have learned and for knowing now that I do matter. I have had to learn to become very vulnerable again; it is a very freeing feeling! Give it a try, you might like it!

Love and Light ~ Josie