The Harsh Truth about Online Dating

A couple of months after I separated I talked to a friend who was doing online dating; I wanted to give a try. She gave me the basics and the warnings and I signed up for my first site. Honestly it was a little slow at first. It took a lot of time and energy, looking through profiles, pictures, messages. I chatted with a couple of people and went on my first date about two weeks later. I quickly learned that online dating was about agendas. What was their agenda. Did they want sex, money or were they broken and needy. Usually it was the first. Weeding through the plethora of messages, trying to figure out, are they married? Are they a scammer? Good lord. Yes, it was quite an ego boost, but also exhausting.
I learned if they were not local and did not want to meet, they were likely a scammer. I learned to weed them out fairly quickly by asking questions and paying attention to details. I met a couple of nice guys that I am still friends with. I met one that was actually genuine, but lived to dang far away. The drives were killing us! Oh, and it is true, you get a lot of pics. I could probably cover a wall in them. I met a couple of crazy stalkers. Yep, and I have been told that they were in love with me after the first date - not okay!

Online dating is interesting and I know some people have met their partners online. So I am not discounting it, but just saying from my experience that it was overwhelming and full of more people just wanting to fulfill agendas than interested in actually building a relationship with someone.
I did learn a lot about myself during this time. What I wanted in a partner, what I did not want in a partner. How to date again, self confidence, patience, and communication via online tools. I learned about my personality strengths and weaknesses as I navigated filling out profiles and going on dates.
I tried five different sites over a little over a year. Each had its positives and negatives. All of them had scammers, and stalkers and cheaters, so you just have to figure out how to watch out for them. I currently have been offline for about nine months. The last two stalkers I had did me in for awhile. Maybe I will try again someday, maybe not. I am happy right now learning about myself and doing the things I need to do to elevate higher. Occasionally I date someone I meet naturally, but I am not worried about it.
Happy being me!  Love and light! ~ Josie

Communication - You do matter, so speak up!

Yep, I am going to write about communication. We all hear it; communication is key to a relationship. Actually doing it is the hard part. There can be so many barriers, so many blocks to good communication. Different personality types, situations, etc. It is something I have been learning my whole life and am not done yet.

I feel like I have always been a good communicator. I can write papers well, technical documentation at work that is fantastic. I have spoken at conferences, done presentations, facilitated meetings, been project lead/manager, girl scout leader, bartender, cocktail waitress, and much more. I can break down "technical speak" to customers easily so they understand what is happening. I can mentor people of all ages. Talking about my feelings or things I am struggling with, not so easy.

Why is talking about my feelings hard? I have thought about this a lot. I can write them on paper. I did have diaries when I was young and as I got older I learned in my relationships to write out my thoughts and feelings so I could get out what I was trying to convey. When I was younger I learned that it was better to keep my thoughts, feelings and what was really going on to myself. Why? Because I felt like I didn't matter. The people I tried to talk to tried to fix the problem before I could finish what I was saying. Or if I was in trouble it was better to say what others wanted to hear rather than the truth, no one wanted to believe the truth anyway. Or they just didn't care enough to listen. I did learn valuable skills from this. I learned to read people very well. Their body language, their words, and I could "read a room" easily. I learned to listen, to figure out what others wanted and needed. As a giver, I learned how to provide what was needed by others.

In my love relationships I would try to communicate, but it did not last long. They would say something that would make me feel like I didn't matter and I would instantly clam up and go back to what I knew best; providing what they needed. I would get to a point where I would get frustrated and attempt to write a letter or say something. By then I had taught my partner that I didn't matter, so the conversation always ended up getting turned around.

The last two years though I have grown in my communication areas. I have had some great help from my daughter and some close friends. My daughter especially has pushed my outside my box to go deep and think about what is really bothering me about an issue. She has taught me to really open up and communicate with her. I have a couple of close friends that have really helped also with helping me to open up, being supportive, listening and non-judgmental. I am thankful for my support system, for how much I have learned and for knowing now that I do matter. I have had to learn to become very vulnerable again; it is a very freeing feeling! Give it a try, you might like it!

Love and Light ~ Josie